Ahn Wee

“The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong.” – Carl Gustav Jung

Category: Uncategorized

Never be like you

A year ago, a guy asked me if he could court me and so I told him upfront:

“You can do what you like but I’m telling you right now you cannot expect anything from me. I am not ready for a relationship.”

He asked me so many times, and I said the same answer repeatedly that it almost became an automatic script. To be fair, I was not the only girl he was pursuing. I knew he had other options but the biggest burn of it all would be that he was still not over his ex. He had a lot of issues. In fact, it was our big common denominator: our exes and our shitty relationship we had with them. So I was quite puzzled why he would ask me such a question.

A few days ago, on a taxi ride to the office listening to Flume’s Never be like you on repeat, I suddenly had an epiphany on the cure to being emotionally unavailable. It just hit me right there and then, and it was so simple and beautiful.

Emotionally unavailable? Be emotionally available. Put yourself out there, because even if you hid under a rock you would still get hurt. Pain is inevitable, and we must accept that reality.

Not ready for a relationship? Prepare yourself, open up your heart and learn to trust a little. If we always put our fear of getting hurt again we will actually hurt ourselves before we know it.

We will fail along the way, and we will get hurt no matter how hard we try to protect ourselves. So we might as well live a little bolder and trust generously.

It sounds too simple and easy to say, sure but well not everything happens in a blink of an eye. Everything is a process.

 

 

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SOMA 2016

I was in my hotel at Tagbilaran when the music started to play. I looked over the television and realized it was Justin Bieber singing. So I went back to staring at the ceiling and letting him sing. Right at that moment I could not care about the music that played anymore. I was just tired. I was just fed up, and I was fed up about being fed up. However something about his song was quietly soothing in my situation. I could actually relate.

I graduated from college with all these grand visions of how my life would go. 2 months after finishing school I soon realized I ran out of time from my self mandated ultimatum of getting a job. From the whole plan of working in Rehabilitation Center to working my way up the Corporate ladder, I found myself in the cold petridish office of a call center. Which was not entirely bad after all my English could pass as an American any day. 5 months after I realized I could not keep on doing this kind of job. Despite the skills that I was endowed with by my education, I could not perform as good I might be because I simply didn’t like it. I felt that deep in my heart I had a greater purpose. I tried to find that. I applied again and again anywhere but there was no call. I took the civil service exam, and I failed it. I quit my job and with what money I had left I enrolled myself in a review for a board exam. I flew to another city just to take the darn exam. To my surprised, I actually passed. Within the month of passing that board exam I was hired.6 months after, I figured I could not  keep doing the new job I was  given. I sucked at it and so I tried out again to apply to another job. I failed yet again so I enrolled myself in Graduate school to keep my spirits up. My job’s nature started to change I became a jet setter of some sort. My classes couldn’t keep up and so I decided to stop. A year after, the whole climate of work  changed. It became more comfortable. I felt empowered.

However deep down, something else was still missing. I still haven’t made my mark. I have not started on a path where I felt what I do is meaningful.

My life was still in shambles, but that doesn’t mean I will settle with what feeling I have right now.

SOMA – State of The Mind Address 2015

I have a report coming up tonight but I need some catharsis. So to get started here it goes…

I.hate.my.job. Honestly it all sounded so exciting in the early months and then it just got boring as time went farther on. Not boring as in too easy kind of boring but meaningless filing of files kind of routine boring. Organization of papers and dates boring. I don’t find it fulfilling and while I feel a sense of achievement over certain things—the feeling just doesn’t last.

The whole feels of accomplishment is fleeting. Sometimes I can hear my brain getting sarcastic “like wow, you found a way to do things faster!” or “wow you found a system to do things more efficiently”

I don’t know why but i just hate it. I don’t find it at all exciting. Sometimes I think its just my attitude but I’ve tried my best to see the bright side of things but at the end of the day when I think of my work, I just think of it as papers and paper dolls.

I mean sure I like the whole travelling perks I get but you know what, I don’t need this job to do just that. I can earn money in a different line of work and travel for leisure.

I am not at all happy! NOT AT ALL.

Where I am

Where I am right now:

I am a Talent Acquisition Staff in the People Management Department at a 2 year old bank. I’m in my 4th month already and going to my 5th. So far I am struggling with my duties and responsibilities especially in staying organized. To add it all up my new supervisor is going to be my old classmate (to whom I sort of had a rift with back in college).  I’m wondering now if I am going to be regularized. I wonder if I am still going to become a Psychometrician. I wonder now if my future truly belongs to this bank I’m working for. In fact I wonder if my real niche truly belongs to the bank industry, the Industrial Psychology side of things or the clinical psychology part of things.

I want to take up a master’s degree in Psychology but I can’t decide if I should pursue my old alma mater. I don’t want to see the old teachers and classmates all over again. I want a new environment for learning. An upgrade but at the same time, I really can’t afford it!

Then there’s this whole promise of travelling abroad with my old childhood friend. I’m not so sure where I am going with everything but I do hope whatever happens, I hope it will be the best for my growth as an individual and a professional.

I might sound worried but at least its better than having a blank space for a life.

Hell I can’t even decide my jam for the moment.

Intimacy vs. Isolation

Its a Saturday afternoon. A perfect Saturday afternoon. It’s not too hot and its not too cold. The skies are cloudy but that’s how I like my weather. I want to go out yet here I am fumbling over my keyboard online. If it were solely up to me, I would drag out my old grade school friend out of her house and into the malls where we can pour our eyes with interesting things that might come handy for us—for the next payday. I don’t intend to go shopping but I intend to know what would be good to shop for. I’m not the type of person who likes to go shopping and decide right then and there. I like to canvass a set of ideas first, go home and save and then hit the store with a vengeance. Well I do it that way because, I know for a certain fact that if I go with no clear decision of what I want I’ll end up splurging over a couple of things I really don’t need. I only need one or two things, and I’d like to build that over time and not 5 things at once.

Zzz why am I alone anyway? God why won’t she agree to go out? The whole I’m-too-broke-excuse is BS. It’s equally the same thing last Friday night. I want to go out yet it seems I’m always surrounded by people who are either feeling too homely or just don’t find me part of their clique. I have a college degree, I’m a licensed Psychometrician and I got a job but why can’t I get friends like Carrie has in Sex and the City or Sheldon in Big Bang Theory. I guess that’s the whole 20 something challenge.

So screw it I’m going out with or without you.

Random Summary Ramblings

If 2012 was my year at love then 2013 was my year of heartbreaks, and if 2013 was a year of heartbreaks then 2014 was a year of just being me.

A year of me failing and eventually succeeding.

Which makes me wonder now what has 2015 has in store for me?

I wish I could enumerate every damn thing that has happened but it feels too damn tiring to go through it cognitively speaking. I mean, I got my heart duped by a douche I knew since highschool and I was a fool enough to think the years we had known each other would spare me from his immaturity but no. I wanted to be genuinely loved but he was just looking for a rebound for a girl he would never have, and if it went any longer he would have had himself a martyr too.

To make it worse, it was the lowest point in my life not because I was not loved by a man that I wanted to have but that at the end of it all I didn’t really feel I had the support of my friends—except my mother, and sometimes my sister. At the end of it all I didn’t only fail at my friendship but that I also failed myself. I unwittingly took my self-worth a few bars lower than I deserve. So when I missed my expected graduation date and extended a semester later, I vowed to stray away from my ex, and my friends who made me feel nothing but shit. A few stupid flings later 2013 became 2014 and I learned that if I don’t fight to make something out of myself, I had nowhere to go but trash. And so I got stronger, pulled my shit together and tried a bunch of things to get me going.

I got a job at a call center to save money for my masters.

I took up the civil service exam.

I applied at my old alma mater.

I applied at my dream work place.

Guess what? None of them worked. I failed the civil service exam, and the money I earned from my temporary job? I gave it to my mother so that she could fix our drainage problem in our house but that didn’t stop me from trying again. For the span of 6 months I was not at all hired I was just bumming around and reviewing for my board exam.

Instead I decided to quit from my dead-end first job, and enrolled myself in a review class for the Psychometrician board exam. I also unfortunately reconnected with my old friends but you know what? Forgiveness actually paid off. I passed my board exam with my own hard work and the support of my friends who initially let me down. I learned that you know what, if I can’t even be perfect myself then I have no right to cast judgement on others. In fact I realized that this one particular friend whom I’ve always felt like she worked my self-esteem to smithereens actually help me in a sense that from being pressured to succeed I found myself a diamond within me. She was heaven sent after all and I was just busy thinking ill of everyone who approached me. It was an act of tough love all along. In fact she even helped me get a job that would really help me grow as a person.

Which leads me again to the year of 2015. If 2014 was my resolution of being me then 2015 has to be the year of greater positivity. That’s my new year’s resolution, and yes once again I intend to get started on my master’s degree this year and I know this time this is for certain!

I don’t know what 2015 has in store for me but I know I will brave it through and work it to my favor.

Lessons in Levitation

Oh lessons in levitation keep me at bay,
from the sun and the flowers all blooming to pray,
that I change my mind and drop this class,
stand on my chair and drop my glass,
leash on a neck, my ceiling fan’s got me,
he said just let go and let go
And I jumped, and I simply—
levitated forever.

Who is Ahn Wee?

Ahn Wee is Ennui, listlessness personified and materialized.  I am an aspiring writer battling inactivity and passivity. Chronically plagued with self-doubt, self-criticism to the point of self -deprecation, I realized—how can I save myself? I can save myself through action. I can distract myself through working. Didn’t Viktor Frankl himself say the existential vacuum exists because of boredom. So let’s do something about this boredom. Let’s materialize it, give it life and then turn it human.